Adopt: A New Perspective
Being the youngest child in a sibling group of five brings some unique challenges that can build character, a thick skin, and a can-do attitude. Some "good ol' fashioned" ribbing from older siblings or running as fast as you can to keep up with the cool older brothers never hurt anyone. I hold those memories dear, and I am grateful for them, as they helped to shape me into who I am today. But in retrospect now as an adoptive parent and social worker in the field of foster care and adoption, what I remember as "good ol' fashioned ribbing" sheds new light. My older siblings would say to me, "Mom and Dad haven't told you yet, but you were adopted." I remember feeling scared about what that meant, too young to quite understand. But what I knew for sure was they were attempting to convey bad news, and it revealed I didn't belong in the same way the older four did. I actually was quite younger than the older four and was a pleasant surprise to my parents, as they thought their family was complete at four children. Needless to say, I joined the Guilfoyle family the same way the rest of the crew did and it was not through adoption.
Where did my siblings learn to believe that adoption was something negative? Media has a major influence in our society, establishing norms and beliefs representing how we see ourselves and how we see "others." These messages are then passed on through our relationships within our families, neighborhoods and communities. While my experiences may have been in the 1970s the negative connotations, some 50 years later, still exist and are easily slipped in as a joke or passing comment without a second thought to their effects.
Recently on Good Morning America, host Amy Robach interviewed actors Martin Freeman and Daisy Haggard from the FX show "Breeders," which is described as a dark and honest look at parenting. The focus of the interview was on the actors’ and host’s children in real life.
In the episode clip that followed, the parents are chatting about parenting woes. The wife says to her husband, "Should we just give the kids up for adoption?" Her husband responds with "Done." And they laugh.
In 2021, adoption continues to be used as a punch line by writers in TV and film. When I hear "jokes" like this it takes my breath away—not because of any leftover anxiety from my older siblings’ teasing—but because I have felt and seen, first hand, the effects via my experiences as an adoptive parent as well as a social worker who has assisted children and families on their own adoption journeys. I immediately think how this "joke" lands on and impacts these children and my son. What does it say to a parent who has made a plan of adoption for their child? Such a difficult, heart-wrenching decision should not be made into a punchline. What does it convey to a child or adult adoptee about their adoption experience and their place in their family? I must have done something wrong. I must have been bad.
I hear the counterargument ringing in my ears as I type, and it goes something like this: "Kids need to toughen up these days. We are creating wimpy kids. Everyone is so easily offended, lately." Truthfully, I do not want to create an argument through this blog, instigating each person to defend their opinion. Rather, I am hoping for writers to consider not using adoption as a punch line because they know there are real children and real adults who have a connection to adoption in their viewing audience. Some of these children are in foster care waiting for a family to say "YES" to their adoption plan and certainly have experienced enough in their short lives. Being on the other end of a "joke" in media or learned through media is cruel.
I believe kids can build resiliency, character, perseverance and determination from healthy and natural outlets and experiences without being figuratively “poked in the eye” with intention.
Consider the response to seeing an adult walk up to a child and purposefully poking them in the eye, causing the child to cry, believing they did something wrong to deserve it. Would the response be, “Buck up,” or “It will make you tougher for the road ahead” or “It builds character”? Participating in a sport or learning to play an instrument, whiffing at strike three, or forgetting the notes to a song and coming back to try again and again, build those characteristics we see as valuable. Children have plenty of real-life experiences to draw from to assist in building healthy resilience, fortitude and strength. Let us not create artificial and hurtful experiences through media that beat them down.
Our son does not need to live through punchlines about adoption to build his resilience. He does not need to be exploited through media, with other children learning these punchlines and using them on the playground to build his character. My hope is that writers and actors will keep in mind that their audience includes families and children with connections to adoption, and understand that perpetuating negative connotations impact the real feelings of real people.
When we know better, we all have it in us to do better.
Actionable Insights
Content creators have an opportunity to influence viewers with their storylines and narratives about adoption. Using adoption as a punch line by suggesting a child is less than because of their connection to adoption or that birth parents created a plan of adoption for their child as a flippant decision can negatively impact the self-image of a large number of children and adults. The implications of a content creator’s writing can also create positive change for how adoption is perceived by an adoptee, prospective adoptive parent, birth parent, and peers on the playground. Using positive adoption language, not stereotyping adoptees or birth parents, and simply removing adoption in any format as a punch line provides an opportunity to create positive change in our community.
Consider these statistics:
There are approximately 120,000 children just in the United States in foster care waiting to be adopted.
One out of every 25 US families with children has a child who joined their family through adoption. About half of these families have both children through birth and adoption (US Census).
Approximately 7 million Americans were adopted.
Around 140,000 children are adopted by American families each year.
Nearly 100 million Americans have adoption in their immediate family, whether this includes adopting, placing a child, or being adopted.
Six in 10 Americans have personal experience with adoption, meaning they themselves, a family member, or a close friend was adopted, adopted a child, or placed a child for adoption.
It is estimated that between 1 and 2 million couples are waiting to adopt, yet only 4% of women with unwanted pregnancies make the decision to place their children through adoption.
On average, children wait 3 years for an adoptive family and the average child waiting for an adoptive family is 8 years old.
Marianne Guilfoyle
Chief Innovations Officer, Allies for every child